"feeling sad and frustrated"
The following information provides insight into the possible effects of the abuse.
| Effects on Women |  |
It is a fact that abuse by a partner affects women in many ways. Some times, it is difficult to cope with everyday things, to have energy to complete different tasks. You may find yourself less patient with your children and find yourself physically ill and in need of medication. This is not unusual for many experiencing abuse. There are many areas of your self that are affected by abuse.
Self-Esteem
Our self-esteem or self-concept is a measure of how we feel about ourselves. Low self-esteem creates feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness, taking away the self-confidence needed to make decisions and to solve problems. When our own feelings and judgment cannot be trusted, solving even small problems becomes difficult. In many cases low self-esteem and poor self-concept may lead to depression. Depression is a medical condition that often requires medication or therapy to be effectively treated. Low self-esteem can also result in a disregard for personal appearance and health.
Feelings of Helplessness
In abusive relationships, the abusive man maintains control of his partner's actions by physically, sexually, and psychologically abusing her. If the assaulted woman tries to regain some control, the abuser may become more controlling. Her repeated unsuccessful attempts at stopping his violence reinforce her feelings of helplessness. As a result the assaulted woman may give up trying to break the cycle of violence.
Self Blame and Guilt
Many women are used to looking after the emotional needs of their families. When the emotional well-being of the family is suffering, as it does when abuse is present, the woman tends to blame herself and tends to believe she fails in her role to look after her family. Some women have hidden the abuse for years because of the guilt and shame they feel. The partner usually encourages this thinking by blaming her for the abuse. This results in the woman falsely believing she has failed as emotional caretaker and that she causes and deserves the abuse.
Denying and Minimizing
Denying and minimizing abuse are two ways of coping with his violence, although they are ineffective. They increase the danger already present by encouraging the victim to disregard signals which can warn her of further assaults.
Abused women frequently deny being victims of wife assault and that a pattern of abused has been established. A false sense of responsibility for the violence and embarrassment prevent her from telling others about it. Other excuses can be made to explain away the violence and to renew hope for the relationship. Minimizing abuse downplays its seriousness. Often women avoid accepting the reality that they are being abused by comparing themselves to others who have endured more extreme acts of physical and psychological abuse. Their own situations then seem much less serious and much less dangerous.
Drug and Alcohol Abuse
Victims of wife assault suffer from stress and tension. Many abused women turn to drugs and alcohol to avoid confronting their abusive situations. Continued used of these substances leads to dependency for many women. Substance abuse adds to the assaulted woman's problem. The abused woman who tries to deal effectively with her substance dependence and her violent situation at the same time is easily overwhelmed.
Alcohol and illegal drugs are obvious examples of abused substances, but abuse of prescription drugs accounts for much of the substance abuse among women who experienced violence. Sleeping pills, pain killers and tranquilizers are the more commonly abused prescription drugs.
Mary tells us that she lived in an abusive relationship for 10 years and wondered how her children were being affected. The information below explores some of the issues surrounding the effects of abuse on children.
Effects on Children
Note: The Child Welfare Act (R.S.A. 1985) in Alberta states that: a child is in need of protective services when there are reasonable and probable grounds to believe that the survival, security or development of the child is endangered. The Act clearly defines three major areas of neglect and abuse: emotional, physical and sexual.
WIN House Study
During 1985 WIN House (a shelter in Edmonton for battered women and their children) sponsored a project that looked at the problems of children who live with wife assault. Of the 336 children who accompanied their mothers to the shelter, the majority were found to have been abused in some manner. Nine out of 10 children between 13 and 18 and two-thirds of the infants were seriously abused or neglected with one-third of all sexual abuse victims being boys. One-half of the abused children displayed behavioral and emotional problems severe enough to require referral to treatment agencies.
Children need not be physically or sexually assaulted to be hurt by wife assault. Those who witness violence in the home are also victims.
Children Who Witness Wife Abuse
We do know from studies that children from violent homes can do well as adults if they finish growing up in a loving, nonviolent home. It also helps if they are exposed to nonviolent and nonabusive adult role models from outside the home. A major deciding factor in recovery is that Mom and children receive support.
How children are affected by witnessing wife abuse depends on a number of factors such as their age when the abuse began, how Mom coped, and what help and support the child and Mom received.
Infants
- During the crisis, the baby's routine can be interrupted, causing the baby stress.
- An abused mom may have difficulty coping with a baby's demands at this time.
- The baby may not form a healthy emotional connection with either parent, and so may grow up with many severe psychological problems.
- The baby may tend to sleep poorly, scream excessively, have poor health, or fail to thrive.
Pre-school and school age children
Children deal with the stress of witnessing wife abuse in two ways: they hold it inside (internalize) or they express it (externalize).
- A child may learn the role of either the abuser or the victim and act out these roles. They may, for example, use aggression to solve problems with others at school. Children as young as 2 years old have been observed to act out adult violence they have witnessed.
- Boys are more likely to be aggressive, while girls more frequently act out their stress and anxiety by having health complaints (head-aches, stomachaches) and by passive, dependent behaviour (they get "picked on" and don't stand up for themselves assertively).
- Children who witness wife abuse often have low self-esteem, feel anxious and fearful much of the time, misunderstand the actions of others, become withdrawn and confused, and have difficulty getting along with other children.
- Preschoolers tend to yell more, be more irritable, stutter, shake, rock, have nightmares and other sleep disturbances.
- Children under 10 years tend to blame themselves and believe that they are the cause of the violence.
- In general, young children who witness wife abuse are less able to solve personal problems in assertive and healthy ways.
Adolescents
- Boys may become abusive in their own dating relationships. Girls may accept abuse from boys as a normal part of having a boyfriend.
- May act out in aggressive or delinquent ways: running away, assaulting their mother and younger family members, attempting suicide, drug and alcohol abuse, poor school performance.
- Teens frequently assume parenting roles in their family and assume the role of protector. They become "too old, too fast" and don't get to enjoy their teen years.
- Children 11 years and up don't usually blame themselves for the violence, but they don't necessarily assign responsibility to the abuser either. They may well excuse him and may side with him because he has the power in the family. They may feel angry with Mom for not protecting herself.
When the parents separate or Dad stops his violence
- When the children begin to feel safe, they will often talk about the abuse or draw pictures of it. This is their way of dealing with it and making sense of it. This is normal and healthy behaviour and should not be stifled.
- If the parents separate, the children often have mixed feelings. Even though they are relieved to be safe, they may also feel sad and miss their father. It is important that children are told that it is alright for them to have conflicting feelings.
- They may look to Mom for extra attention and reassurance. This can be a very difficult time for Mom because she has so many of her own problems to deal with. It can be very helpful if she joins a women's support group so she can get the help she needs. She and the children may be helped by having counselling together, and the children may benefit a great deal in a children's group.
(Courtesy of Karen Nielsen, M.Ed, RSW, The Family Centre, Edmonton, Alberta)
October 1998
©1998-1999 Legal Resource Centre of Alberta.
