The following story of an abused woman may seem familiar to you. Perhaps these things have happened to you, a friend, or a family member.

As you read through the story, you will see words that are in bold, coloured type. There will be more information about these topics at the end of the story.

I was in a relationship for 10 years with a man I now realize was abusive to me. He was extremely jealous and I thought it was a sign that he loved me. But now I know that was a warning sign of an abusive partner. He only hit me once when we were dating, and he promised it would never happen again. Our relationship was good until I was pregnant. He became more violent and abusive. He called me fat and stupid, and said no one would want me because I had gained so much weight. After many months of psychological and verbal abuse, I stood up to him. That was when he hit me so hard that I had to go to the hospital. I forgave him for that and for many more times.

Initially, my family and friends were very supportive, but soon they did not want to hear about it. It was difficult for them to understand why I stayed and why I kept going back to him. I began to blame myself and was totally depressed. I was feeling sad and frustrated. I spent many years feeling that no one would love me, but I did not want to be alone. He was nice sometimes so I stayed.

As the years passed, I did know that the bad times were increasing, but I didn't want to admit it. I also started to wonder how the abuse was affecting my kids. As the violence got worse, I finally realized something had to change. I admitted to friends and family what was happening and they gave me phone numbers of some places offering help for abused women. I phoned several places to find out what I should do if I were to leave. I was scared of course, because I knew that if the kids and I left him he would come after us and maybe try to take the kids away. So I decided I needed to know how to keep my children with me. I found out that the legal term for this is custody.

I began slowly ... phoning different places that provided services for women in violent and abusive relationships. Sometimes I phoned for information; sometimes just to talk.

I remember talking to a counsellor about what to do if he were to hit me again. She told me to phone the police if I were in danger. She gave me many suggestions. She also told me to make sure I had all my documents and medications in a safe place. If I decided to leave suddenly, I could get them easily. Together we made a safety plan. I found that having thought about what I had to do gave me the strength to make a decision.

I finally made the decision to leave after he hit me again. The police came and laid charges against him. The police took me to a nearby women's shelter. My children and I stayed there for three weeks.

While I was at the shelter, I found out that he had charged me with kidnapping because I took the children with me. I had to rush to court to get an interim custody order.

While staying at the shelter, I looked for a new place to live. I was worried that once we left the shelter he would find us. I shared these concerns with the shelter workers and they suggested a restraining order. A restraining order is a type of protective order. They told me about the Protection Against Family Violence Act. They also told me that if I wanted to get a divorce, I might need to apply for Legal Aid to get a lawyer as I did not have any money.

I was also called to testify about what happened the last time he hit me, when the police laid charges. I was scared to go to court and it was awful to think that he would be there too. I was relieved to find out that there were victims' services to help me through the court process.

As I was going through this, I had many questions. I found out about FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions). They helped me answer my questions. I think I'm now ready to make some decisions about my future.

Does this story sound familiar to you? Would you like more information? Moving the mouse, place the arrow on the words below. Click the mouse and you will automatically be linked to the information you want.

warning sign
abusive
why I stayed
feeling sad and frustrated
affecting my kids

phone numbers of some places
what I should do if I were to leave
custody
phone the police
safety plan
laid charges against him
women's shelters

interim custody order
restraining order
protective order
Protection Against Family Violence Act
divorce
Legal Aid
testify
court process
FAQs

June 2005

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